Reviewing Bond: Die Another Day

More than any other film in the series, Die Another Day is considered the definitive worst. Fans and casuals alike may diss Moonraker for being similarly outrageous, but there it worked. So why didn’t it work here? Let’s find out…

Setting & Story

Ice palaces, lasered planes, the DMZ in Korea and a trip to Havana. The scenes of Die Another Day are certainly memorable, but are they good? They clearly went for an iconic villain lair here and missed by a mile with a premise so absurd that even hard core James Bond fans just eye-rolled. Yet they did a good job globe hopping nonetheless making maximal use of their environs. 4/10 because of that igloo.

Instead of a recap, I am going to introduce what I am calling “The Contrivance Counter” for this story breakdown. Each contrivance will follow the actual story in chronological order…

CONTRIVANCE COUNTER

1. How does Bond meditate himself into cardiac arrest to escape the medical ward on the ship?

2. You really expect nobody to make more of a scene as a “bum” walks into a five star hotel? Bond looks like he slept in a 7/11 parking lot. Where is security?

3. So the plastic surgeon in Havana claims to Jinx that he can perform “DNA replacement therapy.” The doctor explains as follows: “First we kill off your bone marrow, wipe the DNA slate clean. Phase two! Introduction of new DNA harvested from a few donors, orphans, runaways, people who won’t be missed. I like to think of myself as an artist.” Did anyone read this dialogue aloud to hear how absurd this sounds, even for a Bond film?

4. Bond wakes up Zhao in the clinic. Since when does squeezing a bag full of IV fluid cause severe pain?

5. I know he’s been in the clinker for 14+ months but do you really expect James Bond to miss a straight shot of Zhao hesitating by a window, before jumping through it?

6. A helicopter full of henchmen is just miraculously waiting for Zhao on the helipad? Prior to the explosive interruption it looks like he was going to be an inpatient for a while… 

7. Likewise Jinx’s speedboat escort was miraculously well out of place in a random cove where she would dive off a cliff, despite not knowing she would be there?

8. Bond pulls diamonds from Zhao’s bullet necklace. His Cuban informant notes they’re from Sierra Leone, conflict diamonds. Based on the signature, they were discovered and mined by Gustav Graves. If that’s true, how did he “discover diamonds” and build an empire, with time enough to engrave signature pieces if he eventually turns out to be Colonel Tan Sun Moon, who was a Korean man only 14 months ago? At least Bond recognizes the possibility that he may know the real source of these diamonds…

9. 50 minutes into this film and I am wondering how Bond, now a rogue agent for several days, is able to pay for any of his first class travel, accommodations etc? Are we to infer China paid for all of it? It looks like all they provided was  Visas, fake passports and leads. Wouldn’t MI6 terminate his accounts per the protocol seen in Quantum of Solace?

10. So not only does Graves build a diamond empire in 14mos but he gets a knighthood too? That requires extensive background which he is unlikely to have, even if he could fake credentials. Since he was a Korean colonel less than two years ago, this seems quite an ascension and an improbable one at that. Now we also learn he’s got a space program, Icharus?!

11. Somehow our busy Anglo-Korean also found time in between his space program and diamond empire to become an Olympic protege in fencing in 14 months as well. He was certainly a skilled martial artist, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt here in terms of natural gift. (Note: it is later revealed he was on the fencing team at Harvard with Miranda Frost, a detail very conveniently missed by MI6).

12. We finally get a biography on Graves. “An orphan working in an Argentinian diamond mine (why there?), learns engineering (what/where), makes a huge find in Iceland (why so vague, diamonds or something else?), and gives half of it to charity (and used the rest on space weapons and Ferraris?).” Really? Come on now…

13. The most infamous car in the series: the invisible Aston Martin Vanquish. R explains the invisibility is achieved by thousands of cameras that reflect back its surroundings like a mirror. Are we to assume the cameras work on tires too?

14. Only two years after the Ice Palace we get Al Gore’s Oscar winning climate emergency documentary. Now we’re living it. In 2002, it was still a foolish choice. Do they have snow maker machines for that? What about insurance for the pillar crumbling in an invisible car accident? I’d say this glorified igloo probably didn’t have any insurance at all… 

15. The palace guests are underdressed for what would basically feel like a freezer at all times (to maintain the ice pack).

16. When in the last 14mos did Graves build the Diamonds are Forever space laser weapon? Using radiation / sunlight reflectivity here to turn night into day. Also: how did the ice palace not melt under such intense light? Perhaps there’s a Blofeld Bonanza and he bought the parts second hand from 1971?

***

Cue 1960s clavinet hold music…

Operator: Hi you’ve reached Blofeld’s Bonanza, second hand SPECTRE weapons, first rate service. How may I help you?

Col. Moon/Graves: Yes I’m calling about the laser beam, do you still have inventory?

Operator: Which laser are you referring to sir, the  industrial laser, the Moonraker laser—

Col. Moon/Graves: —The Diamond Satellite laser, from 1971?

Operator: Well it’s missing quite a few diamonds so it’s not fully operational. 

Col. Moon/Graves: Oh that won’t be a problem. I’ll also be using the discount code MEOW.

Operator: Excellent, I’ll go ahead and get you an invoice right now, can we help you with any of your henchmen needs as well? We have an excellent two for one, a 7’4 brute with a jaw of steel, his name is Jaws, he kills people. Buy him and you get his super strength wife absolutely free.

Col. Moon/Graves: Just get me the satellite!

Operator: Very well then.

Cut to: Blofeld stroking his Persian cat, done up like his female disguise in Diamonds Are Forever.

***

17. Also where did Moon / Graves get this amount of money from, even as a North Korean dictator to be? He comes from a nation with no real economy and a single IP address /s

18. Bond sneaks into a restricted area to discover more about the Icharus controls via invisible car. However there’s snow and ice everywhere, wouldn’t he leave tire tracks?

19. Bond is burned by a guard while snooping for the satellite controls. Yet all the dogs and alarms are called off because Bond makes out with Miranda Frost, despite the fact he just took down an armed guard?! Don’t they know she’s Grave’s muse right now?

20. Bond takes an ice bath in water as cold as the North Atlantic during the sinking of Titanic with no proper protection. Probably unsurvivable. Also perfect deus ex machina timing to save Jinx.

21. The lasers in the fight scene are strong enough to burn metal and put a hole through a henchman’s head but they just deliver a flesh wound to Bond’s bicep?

22. Miranda was only put on the detail of Graves 3 months ago. When and how did she get turned prior to Bond’s infiltration of the DMZ when he was still Korean? Perhaps while they were on the Harvard fencing team together? (a fact noted by M towards the end of the film as if to attempt to explain its own bullshit)

23. The tsunami surfing is not only incredibly stupid and dated in terms of FX but it’s among the most improbable deus ex machina 007 escapes in the entire series. It’s like you took a bunch of junk out of a Sanford and Sons scrap metal truck and turned it into kite surfing?

24. So the invisible Vanquish leaves tire tracks in the snow but Zhao still needs infrared to track him?

25. Sure Zhao’s car also just happens to have MI6 standard issue equipment despite no set up for that, making for one of the most ridiculous car chases in franchise history. 

26. These cars are banging into giant pillars, ice or not, you’d think they’d start to pick up dents. At one point there’s also a continuity error as Zhao’s Jaguar takes a big hit on an iceberg but instead of making out like the hull of Titanic we get a jump cut like he went through a solid wall.

27. Despite the Aston’s “invisibility cloak” being comprised of cameras for their projection effect, our invisibility cloak is restored after this massive 50cal gun battle and ice blocks? All the cameras just restored themselves?

28. Everything else is melting but the floors Bond drives along?

29. More ice blocks are broken by the Aston without a scratch to our vehicle. Or a single airbag deployed.

30. Jinx has been drowned in hypothermic waters for several minutes; enough to stop the heart beyond drowning. Bond rescues her, leaps into  a hot spring and miraculously she wakes without any real CPR. It’s also extremely dangerous to rapidly warm up someone suffering severe hypothermia. Sorry for all the Titanic references in our ice palace but that fatal error is what killed many pulled from the North Atlantic in 1912 as well. We’ve known this for nearly 100 years…

31. Did the Americans really think a single rinky dink rocket launched from sea was going to knock out a satellite of that size? At least in Moonraker the Americans sent up resources into space to provide an actual challenge.

32. We’re well into the third act now and it’s still not clear why Graves / Moon even built this laser weapon, for what? Weapons supremacy? To blow up a bunch of Yankees in the DMZ. And then what, Japan? “The west will shake with fear,” and what, Icharus will feed the starving North Korean people? At least his father seems to know this is dumb and won’t help their nation at all.

33. Graves’ weapon control suit looks like a bunch of cobbled together Nintendo accessories. Power Glove, Virtual Boy! We went from a brief case that controls the weapon to a full on analog Tanooki suit.

34. Did Jinx ever mention she could fly a plane? We never get any dialog or action to indicate this (unlike Pam Bouvier for example).

35. Why did Jinx set the plane for a collision with the laser? Also: how did the plane not explode on impact with it?

36. Graves is using his Nintendo Power Glove to give Bond a good shock about as long as his father. I guess Bond can not only put himself into cardiac arrest, he can avoid it too.

37. Why is Jinx just sitting there as Bond enters? She’s not thought of trying to control the plane or do something?

38. No way would that helicopter recover from a dive like that. Then again Brosnan Bond pulled a prop plane out of a similarly impossible dive in Goldeneye too… so I’ll look the other way.

SUMMARY OF STORY?

The reason Moonraker works and Die Another Day does not is because Moonraker is still a competent script with smaller contrivances. Moonraker was also actually funny. Moonraker actually had a compelling premise with a story that kept viewers engaged. The dialog in DAD is so awful that if I didn’t know this film was made in 2002 I would swear it was written by AI. While I will get to bad acting later, you can only do so much with Yo Mama jokes in a Bond film.  The premise of the laser weapon is derivative and uninteresting while the race-changing procedures is just outrageously unbelievable and downright unncessary.  So Die Another Day is not able to succeed on its outrageousness because of its very poor implementation. 2/10 story.

Overall the setting may be iconic, but I’d say notorious is the better word. Just as notorious is the script, which is among the worst in the franchise. 2/10

Gadgets & Vehicles

Most of the gadgets are tributes for the 40th anniversary, so they don’t count. However, I do love Brosnan-Bond inspecting Klebb’s shoe dagger from From Russia With Love and the jetpack bit. It also really made me miss Llewellyn in the role as R, played by John Cleese, is a bit too bumbling for me. 

The only real addition we do get here is a laser watch holdover from the preceding film and a ring which uses supersonic waves to break glass (or ice).

The most memorable, or again, notorious, addition to this film has to be the invisible Aston Martin. It’s just so egregious an idea I almost don’t know where to begin. It’s poorly explained as a concept which thus constantly begs the audience to buy into something the writers and filmmakers have’t earned. Add to this concept the list of contrivances when we see it in action, and it just adds insult to injury. Sure Wonder Woman may have had an invisible jet, but that’s from a comic and cartoon. The Moonraker gondola was insane, but it was visible to everyone, including a pigeon. This film tries to pass off its absurdity, and by explaining it, it makes it worse! It’s as if every idea offered was just approved without thought.

I appreciate the nostalgia gadgets, and the effort at going all out. But even absurdity has its limits. 5/10.

Action Sequences

The action in Die Another Day is among the weakest of all the Brosnan films. Why? Because it over-relies on horrible special effects and consequently feels dated. Other issues like the slow down / speed up style of action direction popular at this time similarly doom it to feeling very stuck in the aughts. DAD is a cautionary tale of “just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you should!”

I’m not going to dive into examples from the film here (just look at my contrivances above). I am instead going to use a comparison to another popular action film of that decade. Wanted also uses the slow down / speed up style of action direction, but in that film it made sense as a visual storytelling motif. The curving bullets and comic book origin of that film was the perfect catalyst for that style of direction. However, the same director attempted to use that style of action direction in his subsequent films, Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter and Ben Hur and both were panned. As a filmmaker you need to be intentional with your style choices. Just because you adopt something as a directorial signature doesn’t mean it will translate across all project types. It runs the risk of feeling hackish and one-note. Also just because something is popular and worked in one film doesn’t mean it will translate across stories! At the end of the day, directing style is an extension of story-telling, visual story telling — that is your number one job. 

Just as those two later films mentioned above made no sense for that style of direction, it made no sense in Die Another Day. Another sin DAD commits is its over reliance on SFX, which feels like a stark departure from its predecessor TWINE which used a lot of practical FX and good miniature work. Again our old adage rings true, just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should. 

The only real standout in terms of good action here is the fencing fight between Bond and Graves. That is all practical, fight choreographed. The rest falls victim to all the excesses of this film.

Filmmakers need to exercise discretion and think intentionally about how they approach their work. That was not done here, and what results from that is the mess that is Die Another Day. 4/10 for entertainment factor only (“so bad it’s almost good!”)

Villain & Bond Girls

Our primary villain is two guys become one (now I have the Spice Girls’ Two Become One stuck in my head). Of course our two-become-one is Colonel Moon / Gustav Graves. This role is therefore played by two different actors. Not that it matters because the entire concept is not only ridiculous it is in some ways even offensive to ones basic intellect. I will mainly focus on Graves, since he has the most screen time here. He is just a very, very average Bond villain. He offers no memorable dialog. He has the same desires, but presented in a derivative way. The man literally rebuilds the weapon from Diamonds Are Forever, but now with new special effects we can show more of its deadly ability. Also for some reason we have equipped Graves with a suit made up from discarded Nintendo parts? The man is controlling this weapon with what looks to be a combination of Power Glove and Virtual Boy VR headset? This is corny even by Bond standards. He is such a lazy character. 4/10.

Zhao as a henchman is just creepy. He has no real backstory or agency other than being an ass-kissing lackey to Moon/Graves. We don’t get any understanding of why he is loyal to Moon, what he gets out of this. Why is he undergoing the same procedures? At times he almost feels like a lover of Moon. They have a weirdly close relationship, that begs certain questions we don’t necessarily get answers to. Whatever he stinks. 4/10

Before I get to my main acting complaint, let’s get Miranda Frost out of the way. She’s boring. That’s it. Almost entirely unneeded. The part where she is the person who burned Bond doesn’t even make sense. 4/10

On to Jinx, played by Halle Berry. I don’t know how it is possible that Berry could show up to this film and line-read her way through it. I expect Denise Richards to line-read instead of act, but not Berry, who is an Academy Award winner. Her reading of dialog in this film is sooooo bad, that it tanks the entire performance. While she may not be given great dialog to being with, surely she could finesse some kind of likability or humor with this character. Alas no. Not possible. Jinx is annoying and utterly humorless despite trying to out-banter Bond. I honestly feel comfortable saying that I dislike Jinx even more than Christmas Jones. If you are going to banter with Bond, at least be good at it. 1/10, she may be the WORST Bond girl in the entire franchise for showing up and phoning in one of the cringiest performances of the entire series.  

2/10 for this category.

Wildcard!

I wanted to focus on Moonraker vs. Die Another Day. Filmmakers clearly wanted to both pay tribute to what came before, but also to give Brosnan, probably the most humorous Bond after Moore, his own version of Moonraker. The 1979 film still succeeded on filmmaking merits. We get great dialog and humor. Drax is supremely well developed and well acted, and has some great one-liners. Goodhead is very competent, and yet is her own person outside of just trying to shore up Bond as an equal (which is what we get with Berry). The film has an interesting premise, and while it is indeed also absurd, it doesn’t try to overly explain itself, creating impossible narratives. It just commits to the bit and it is made with love. Die Another Day is just a cynical, commercial piece of crap with little to love about it. It is the closest James Bond will ever get to slop. Moonraker may be insane but it is definitely not slop. 2/10 for trying to emulate one of the greats and failing on your mission. 

Conclusion.

Die Another Day is absolutely one of the worst films in the entire franchise. While I have seen fellow Brosnan fans try to wax nostalgic about it recently, it is still a piece of laser-flaming turd. That said, it is still more watchable from an entertainment standpoint than some other low-ranking films in the series. I would rather watch this Bond-slop than Diamonds are Forever and Quantum of Solace. Heck I’d even turn this on before ever revisiting No Time to Die. So yes it’s a bad film, and it’s also a bad Bond film. However, it still leaves me with fond nostalgic memories, yet if I want that, I’d rather put on the vastly superior The World is not Enough from the same era. 3/10 overall putting this almost dead last in my eventual ranking.