Reviewing Bond: Diamonds are Forever

Often considered one of the worst in the franchise. If you think the Moore era is ridiculous and full of cringe-worthy camp, you can thank this film for heading the series in that direction. However, as with all of my reviews, this is a subjective ranking, and not an objective one. So where does this film stand up in my view?

Ranking the following:
Setting & Story
Gadgets & Vehicles
Action Sequences
Villains & Bond Girls
Wildcard!

Setting & Story

Our story begins with a diamond heist in Amsterdam, and quickly moves on to mid-century Las Vegas. Despite its efforts to try and capture the glitz and glamor of the ratpack empire, it winds up instead delivering a rather seedy depiction of the iconic tourist trap. Outside the Whyte House (a stand-in for the famous Hilton), a slightly tired looking Bond finds his way to Circus Circus, an actual hotel/casino which was newly opened at the time of the film’s premiere. Today, you’d be more likely to catch scabies at Circus Circus than any slot winnings. Despite Blofeld being a familiar nemesis, we never reach the heights of the volcano lair, instead settling for a rather dull affair full of morons on an offshore oil rig. The only real bright spot in terms of setting are the several stunning midcentury western American villas, but they are so few and far between that they mostly get swallowed up by the undeveloped desert around it (like the rest of the film). This is hardly escapism in an exotic Bond setting sense, and it spends most of its tine in my least favorite city in America. 2/10.

Now onto our story, and this one might just give Quantum of Solace a run for its money, only where QoS goes out of its way to try and be smart, this film goes out of its way to be utterly stupid. Perhaps that’s why Connery donated his incredible salary to return to the franchise to a Scottish education charity (good riddance). At least we get some humorous dialog (“I was just out walking my rat”).

We find Connery’s return to Bond pick up hot on the tails of Blofeld. If our pre-credits sequence is any indication of the tone for this film, it’s that we are in for pure camp. The action direction is almost a parody of the franchise to date, utterly silly and cringe. Bond takes down Blofeld in a vat of hot wax and so long spy games! Months later Bond is provided a less interesting assignment, track down a diamond smuggling operation. He takes the identity of Peter Franks, traveling to Amsterdam to meet his accomplice in Tiffany Case (Jill St. John). After a rough and tumble time in an elevator, Bond dispatches the real Peter Franks and makes his way to Vegas with Case to seal the deal.

Our CIA friend Felix Leiter is waiting for him in America, happy to help him clear customs. Only once he delivers the goods to a goon-run funeral home, we learn the diamonds he delivered are actually fake. This fact saves his life, as the disgruntled parlor owners pull him from the crematorium, to get their money back or something. Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd tried to cremate him on the spot of course, as they are out to kill anyone who has handled the diamonds throughout this convoluted story. After surviving his first encounter with the openly gay duo of destruction, Bond travels to the Whyte House casino to capture the stand-up performance of a lead, but not before our homicidal maniacs Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd get to him first. Eventually Bond tracks down Tiffany, who is still after the real diamonds herself. If you’re starting to get confused by all of this duplicity, you’re not alone. This story is an utter mess. Walking through every Vegas meth users favorite casino (Circus Circus), Bond and his CIA pals track Case, who has secured a dinosaur filled with the real deal, provided by the CIA. Of course they lose her, only for Bond to immediately catch up to her at a villa where Plenty O’Toole is for some reason floating in her pool (I guess that explanation was left on the cutting room floor). Reunited with Case, they now must go find Mr. Whyte– who they suspect is behind this all. I’m so confused…

Following a van into the desert, Bond breaks into a nuclear test facility, and breaks back out again in one of the most ridiculous chases this series has ever endeavored (more on that later). Now Bond, with the real deal in tow, returns to Vegas only to be sent on another chase in what feels like a precursor to the JW Pepper scenes of Moore’s run (again there’s a lot of setup done here in terms of franchise tone). Having miraculously escaped via a dead-end at an angle (which they didn’t even manage to film right, resulting in a silly insert and continuity error), Bond finds his way up to Whyte’s penthouse only to realize Blofeld is still alive and behind the whole plan. Not only one Blofeld, but two (down from three, since our first one was turned into a wax figure). Don’t worry, it gets even dumber, Blofled even has doubles of his beloved cat, and has a nifty gadget which allows him to steal the voice of the man he is impersonating: the real Mr. Whyte (who has been missing for five years). Somehow we are expected to believe all these folks gave “Mr. Whyte,” aka Blofeld, permissions over weapons projects through voice alone?

After Bond is dispatched to die in the desert at the hands of Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd, he escapes and returns to the Vegas Strip to team up with the CIA and find the real Mr. Whyte, as Blofeld has fled his temporary lair looking like Mrs. Doubtfire (capturing a clueless Tiffany in the process).

Bond reaches Whyte’s residence to be met with two of the more ridiculous cameos of the franchise in Bambi and Thumper, Whyte’s captors and sexual security ambassadors who would give Xenya a run for her money in the squeeze department (just end this film already!). While some fans find their appearance memorable and enduring, I find it a ridiculous farce. Anyways, with that pointless bit of camp out of the way, we can return to our main plot. They find Mr. Whyte, who for some reason nobody bothered to verify was actually alive for five years. Bond discovers, courtesy an entire scale replica of Blofeld’s plans (more idiocy), that Baja is an outlier in Whyte’s empire. This sets up our finale off the California coast, where Blofeld has secured the diamonds to build a Dr. Evil space laser from which to extort money from Western powers. Despite Tiffany Case determined to muck this up, moron that she is, Bond saves the day.

From the seedy setting to the stupid story, 3/10— saved from a 1/10 only by its ridiculous humor and clever dialog, which at times I did appreciate in what is otherwise an overlong and dull affair.

Gadgets & Vehicles

Q is back to his old tricks, but these gadgets never feel like more than that. From a magnetic ring meant to rig the slots, to a voice-box (employed by Blofeld) that Q quips was so simple an invention that he gifted the device to his nieces and nephews for Christmas, most gadgets just fall into the realm of camp. The only real device which seems to help Bond along his mission is a fairly standard grappling hook device which he uses to scale the Whyte House. 4/10, only because the scene of Q in the casino is pretty funny.

Most vehicles in this film feel like a rolling advertisement for American gas guzzlers, most of which crash out or underperform their handling. Not James behind the wheel of this Ford Mustang Mach 1 though. Bond cleverly uses a ramp to tilt the sports car on its side to evade police through a dead end. Utterly ridiculous, made even more ridiculous by the fact that the filmmakers needed an insert to flip it mid tilt so that it matched the cut on exit. While memorable for its camp, none of the vehicles feel all that iconic, instead relegated to product placement symbols. Don’t even get me started on the moon buggy. 2/10.

Overall this category falls to cringe as well, scoring no higher than a 3/10.

Action Sequences

The film is mostly devoid of any action set-pieces apart from a few chase sequences, both of which were mundane. Save a pretty brutal fight in the elevator between Bond and the real Peter Franks, Bond barely has anything to do but gamble in this film. That is until he steals a moon-buggy and heads into the desert. Despite never seeming to leave first gear, fleeing at the speed of a golf cart carrying Donald Trump (Connery is not exactly fit in this outing either), several American sedans are left colliding in the rocky road in his wake. Utter foolishness. The chase around the Vegas strip could have been iconic, instead it is mostly relegated to parking lot antics and disjointed action. A lackluster finale aboard the oil-rig with one of the worst Blofeld takedowns earns this category a disappointing 2/10. At no point was any action in this film entertaining, only eye-roll inducing.

Villains & Bond Girls

You know your movie is doomed when even the venerable Blofeld feels like little more than a joke. Apart from the ridiculous plot of outlandish duplicity, he leaves behind a scale of his launchpad? I’d argue this Blofeld must be a double too, because the real Blofeld would never be so sloppy. Even so, there are worse Blofelds in the series at large. 4/10.

However, this film is best remembered for the homicidal, openly gay henchmen, Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd. They take delight in killing anyone they seem to come in contact with. Just in case you doubted their sexuality, the film leaves no assumptions as to that, after they are seen holding hands, Mr. Kidd makes a comment about about Case’s attractiveness, “for a lady of course.” The duo are memorable in the way they take delight in killing, but eventually start to become part of the camp in the way they make cliched remarks after doing the deed. Most dastardly of all is the deed done to them, after Mr. Kidd is chucked overboard on fire, Mr. Wint makes a sound of pleasure as Bond pretty much shoves a bomb up his ass, and throws him overboard for dead. Undoubtedly this was a sort of commentary on their sexuality, which only a few years after the Stonewall riots is disappointing as it is pretty much also expected of a film of this era aimed at a primarily straight male audience. So as with my comments about the cultural insensitivities in You Only Live Twice, I won’t focus on that from a modern sensibility. They are probably the only redeeming factor in this film 6/10.

Nonetheless, the poor implementation of Blofeld and the rather farcical but memorable duo of Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd, earns this part of the category earns a middling 5/10.

Despite a few cameos, like Plenty O’Toole’s attempt to play Bond’s Sharon Stone without any of the charisma, she is quickly dispatched into a swimming pool (thank god for that). Sadly the same cannot be said of Jill St. John, looking every bit the school principal but without the smarts in her tenure as Bond girl, Tiffany Case. Neither smart nor especially sexy, Case is one of the most useless Bond girls of all time. She does more to hurt Bond than help. While she fancies herself a master manipulator, using her sexuality to get her way, this woman is no Elektra King, nor could St. John even hold a candle to Marceau’s beauty and acting ability. Bond should have left her for the sharks in the pacific after she recoiled her way off the oil rig. It’d honestly be as charitable a favor as Connery’s donation to education. This take might get a Walther PPK pointed in my general direction, but she is just so annoying to me. A complete 180 from the character she is first introduced to us as in Amsterdam. For me she gets a 1/10 as she is arguably the worst Bond girl in this series for me (yes there are still contenders to come).

This category gets another poor 4/10. Frustration to what could have been.

Wildcard!

Why is everyone so dumb in this film? We’ve covered the clownery that is Tiffany Case, but even the folks who are supposed to be smart, such as the billionaire casino and weapons magnate, Mr. Whyte, are equally cartoonish. The duo of henchmen, Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd? Cartoon villain stuff. Bambi and Thumper? Circus clowns. Mr. Whyte is basically a human Foghorn Leghorn down to the accent– you really allowed your entire company to be defrauded from under you? Even the CIA are too stupid to track the dumbest Bond girl to date. I suppose we can only be thankful that Bond didn’t wind up in a clownsuit, they saved that humiliation for Roger Moore. 2/10.

Conclusion

This film is neither enjoyable nor especially well done. So unlike Quantum of Solace, which at least succeeds on some filmmaking levels, this film cannot even manage that. It is rightfully panned as one of the very worst in the series on objective lists. However this film is still a better overall Bond film than QoS for its humor, Connery and classic Bond iconography (even if misused) and so it just barely ekes it out with a dismal 2/10 overall.