The City of Trees

Do you believe that the universe sends us signs? Do you believe there are no accidents? Do you follow what you believe to be your instinct?

I certainly do. When my friend, a private chef, invited me to Idaho, I leapt at the opportunity. Without the ability to fly directly into Sun Valley, I made arrangements to travel into Boise and rent a car to make the trip later in the week. The whole time in my mind, I thought to myself, of all the states to invite me to, he invited me here… where he may still live. I figured that fate dropped an opportunity into my lap. Since the summer, I could tell that they were occasionally interacting again, reading my writing (albeit not much in the past month). So I posted a meeting place weeks in advance, and followed that with a kind drawing featuring inspirational quotes from the subject of his last film.

So far not a lot has gone according to plan since I have arrived, as if the universe was trying to tell me something. I got lost trying to find the rental car lot and started seeing spots due to dehydration and exhaustion. When I picked up my vehicle, they didn’t have the one I reserved (an Audi crossover) and instead reduced my rate and gave me an Altima with crunchy brakes. I got lost leaving the airport (and thought I saw someone who looked like that guy in a BMW SUV behind me, but convinced myself there was no way). I arrived at my hotel too early for check-in, and noticed the brakes smelled like they were burning. I called the customer service line, who then sent me to some other branch of Enterprise, and they sent me back to the airport. Ultimately I got into a premium rental for an economy price. But when I got to my hotel, my keycard didn’t work. I went to shower, and my razor broke, forcing me to drive around again for a pharmacy to get what I needed… 

Nothing was going right. On top of that I felt so strange in this place. It’s the furthest inland I’ve ever travelled in America. Instead of giving in to loneliness and the feeling that nothing was working out, I just embraced it and laughed at it. Yet I also knew he wouldn’t show. I knew the moment I booked this trip he wouldn’t show and yet I came anyways. I talked about “pushing the tree,” in the weeks leading up to this trip, trying to manifest an outcome, and yet here I wound up in the literal “city of trees” to learn the valuable lesson of acceptance and the teachings of Anicca, and the impermanence of all things.

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I arrived early to the coffee shop because I knew it was Saturday and college football day. I sat there in my leather jacket, form fitting leggings from Nordstrom, and designer shoes looking every bit the Angeleno dressed in all black on vacation. All of these men were staring at me, and not because I was wearing all black, no I know that stare… they were staring at me because I looked stunning. I look so unlike every blonde sporty girl here with blue eyes and fair skin— I was dark, brooding and almost Parisian in my fashion choice. I sat there confidently, and silently taking in the cool morning air, listening to the band AIR. I remember one of the younger men kept peaking from behind his laptop at me, it was sweet. It had me thinking, all of these men, of all ages, admiring me, but he is not here right now to look into these vibrant blue-green eyes and see into my soul, how much I have changed, how much I am at peace, and how much as all these men stare at me while I only have eyes for them…  

There are so many reasons why they didn’t show; for all I know they’re not in this city, they may be busy, they may have a significant other and not desire to meet up with another woman, maybe they’re not ready yet… who knows?! I don’t need answers. I just accept now is not the time and that the time may be never. My spiritual mentor told me, at least you will have closure. No, I don’t need closure. I got that years ago. This was just me being spontaneous and seeing if they felt comfortable to reach out given all the changes I have undergone both personally and professionally. I don’t need the validation I once so desperately sought from them, leading me to write stupid posts and seek attention. I have that validation already from myself. I just wanted to clear the air and see if it was possible to start anew.

While naturally disappointed, I knew the outcome the moment I set out for the city of trees; try as much as you will push the tree, it will not budge, you must not only be patient but accepting that all things move as they naturally should.

For some reason they keep an interest in me, and so long as they do, my door will be open to them.  But I won’t push the tree any more. I hope one day you will transform into a breeze, and come through that door as effortless as air and know how very happy I would be to see you… to laugh with you, to enjoy your company, and to share all we have in common.

Fate has brought me to the city of trees to learn to stop pushing them, but more importantly to also remind myself of the impermanence of all things AND to remember that life is so beautiful, there is still so much joy to come; a monetary windfall, a novel, and the city you love most, the one you are destined to one day call home: Paris.

Thank you for all these lessons, dear city of trees.