No Labels

Last night I watched a few videos on the Jubilee YouTube channel where both gay men and lesbian women tested their “gaydar” by meeting a lineup of men and women and asking a few questions in addition to presentation to determine whether someone was gay or straight. The entire time I was watching this, I kept asking: what about bisexuals?

There is a tendency within the gay community to erase bisexuality, treating sexual attraction as a binary– you’re either looking for a man or a woman, there is no grey area because in most respects you’re not looking for both at the same time. I bought into this as well for a while, maintaining the L-word as a label. But this always felt false to me because I know that I was still attracted to men, and enjoyed having sex with them. I felt pressured by my own community to “pick a side.” I don’t have a side! I don’t want a label either. But if I had to pick one, bisexual makes most sense.

The reason I felt compelled to do this is because I got tired of coding myself in a way that appealed exclusively to men, and hiding my queer side, because that also felt fake. I don’t think most men in my age group have the same emotional IQ as women, and most of them are probably pursuing a woman with the intention of a marriage and children– something I don’t want. So I took myself out of that pool and embraced my queerness.

As a result I actually learned to love myself in ways I didn’t previously allow. I embraced my femininity and have truly entered my girly-girl stage. I am what folks in the gay community would refer to as femme, at times even high femme. But even that feels like an unnecessary label, I am just myself. Finally, at last.

Most importantly, if I had to choose any label, it would be sapiosexual: needing to feel attracted to someone on an intellectual level before becoming attracted to them on a romantic level. My desire for intimacy is first grounded in a mutual admiration and respect for one’s intellect and Emotional IQ. I am never going to play myself off as a ditz, or play the damsel in distress. That doesn’t mean I cannot also submit to a man, and feel comfortable embracing his masculinity and need to care for his partner, that sounds nice actually. It just means that any potential male partner needs to be confident enough in themselves to embrace a relationship with a woman who is also very confident and secure in herself.

At this point, I don’t feel the need to join one app or the other. I am simply enjoying my life, open to anything. I spent the last several years closing a difficult chapter where a relationship, or even a situationship was not possible. I also had to spend time on self-improvement and self-actualization to feel comfortable enough to be open to romance.

So what am I looking for?

In a male partner, I would prefer someone older than myself. Someone who’s already done the marriage thing, maybe they have children but they’re older or independent adults. I like the idea of a man who is already secure in his purpose in life and doesn’t need to play the games younger men play. I want to feel safe and secure in his confidence and self-assuredness and the assumption that at his age, he is beyond the need for showing off, or the desire to date towards marriage and children (because he’s done that already). I’d want to simply have fun, and allow them to rediscover youth through me, while I can appreciate and feel comforted by their experience and stability. Older men also have a higher emotional IQ, and value a prospective partner who has their shit together and can equally contribute (and at last, I do and I can). I don’t expect to be taken care of financially, I am not looking for a sugar daddy, I expect to contribute towards a mutually desired adventure with an emotionally mature and confident partner; and most importantly a friend first and foremost.

In terms of a woman? I’d also prefer to date a bit older than myself. I don’t want or need someone who needs to go out to women’s club nights (I am sober) or partakes in events geared towards younger queers. I would want, similar to a male partner, someone who is stable and secure in life and has a similar discretionary income to me in order to travel the world, and do things that would not present a financial burden. I would want a woman who is confident and self-assured, comfortable and stable with where they are at in life and open to adventure and mutual growth.

Male or female, I also need my space and ability to recharge my energy. In return you can expect that I would never be clingy or overly needy, because I am also highly independent. I am a “secure attachment” type, which is healthy and all about balance. I also wouldn’t say I am looking to rush into anything right now either. I am just open to the idea of seeing where something goes because I feel comfortable with where I am at. A long-distance relationship might also be appealing, as absence makes the heart grow fonder, while also allowing a relationship the space it needs to flourish on a healthy timeline.

But I am not going to adopt labels which appeal to one or the other. I am not going to live life according to my sexuality, or code myself to one or the other. I am simply going to be my confident, vibrant and sexually curious self and that will attract my right partner in time. My identity is not rooted in who I am or am not attracted to. It is rooted in who I am beyond any labels and that feels the healthiest approach.